The Talking Tree

“Thank you for calling the Byron Kerns Survival School.  This is Byron, the Lead Instructor.  How may I help you?” 

“Hello, Byron. I was calling about enrolling my husband in your Bare Bones survival course,” a lady's voice replied.

“Absolutely, I’ll be glad to help you do that,” I said.

“I have a question, though.  My husband is a realtor, one of the best, up here in Atlanta.  And I saw on your web site where students taking the Bare Bones course do a map and compass walk.  I DO NOT want my husband becoming lost.  Is your training area fenced in?”

“Yes,” I graciously replied with a smile.  “The training area is fenced in.  Not by a fence, but by special trees which are very expensive, specially-equipped, electronic trees.  They’ll alert your husband at the training area border and warn him to stop.”

“That’s wonderful! I know Jerry will like that.  Now I won’t worry so much.”

“Well, Ma’am, there is a catch.  The human-sensing Voiceamatonic tree that will alert your husband will ask him three questions.  He must answer all the questions correctly.”

“Well, that shouldn’t be too hard for Jerry.  He gets every question right when we watch Jeopardy.  Can you tell me the questions the tree will ask him?  I promise I won’t tell him.  I’ll even pay you $900 extra to know the three questions!”

Using my mathematical reasoning powers, that figured out to be $300 a question.  Not enough.  Not for top secret wilderness security border-type questions, especially provided by a talking tree.  It was going to be $500 a question.

“Ma’am, I’ll tell you the questions. But, it will be $1500 extra.”

“Not a problem.  Jerry is worth it.  He’s the # 1 realtor in the Atlanta area.  Right now I’m out having fun shopping because he sold a house for three million dollars.  He’s such a good provider.  That’s why I’m concerned that he doesn’t become lost.  Please, tell me the three questions.”  (A giant pause while the Lead Instructor kicks himself in the butt for not asking for more dollars per question.)

“The first question the tree will ask is:  Who is buried in Grant’s tomb?”

“That’s an easy one.  Jerry will know that one for sure!  What’s the second question?”

“The second question the tree will ask is:  When was the War of 1812 fought?”

“My goodness, Jerry’s going to know that one, too.  He is such a historical nut.  What’s the third question the tree will ask?”

“The third and last question is the most important question.  Jerry must get it right or face a severe penalty.”

“Oh, for goodness sakes.  C’mon, tell me the question,” the caller whined.

“The third and last question the talking tree will ask is:  What is your present longitude and latitude?”

“Well, if that isn’t the stupidest question I ever heard,“ the lady laughed.  “If Jerry knew that answer he wouldn’t be lost and talking to a damn tree!  You have got to be kidding me.”

In my most serious customer service voice, I said, “Ma’am, he must answer the third question correctly.  If he doesn’t, the tree will shake like there’s no tomorrow.  Then, it will fall over and smash him dead.”

There was complete silence on the phone.  After a very long minute, I finally said, “Ma’am, you still there?”

“Yeah, I’m here.  I was just doing some serious thinking.  Forget Jerry. I’m going to enroll my mother-in-law.”