The Talking Tree

“Thank you for calling the Byron Kerns Survival School.  This is Byron, the Lead Instructor.  How may I help you?” 

“Hello, Byron. I was calling about enrolling my husband in your Bare Bones survival course,” a lady's voice replied.

“Absolutely, I’ll be glad to help you do that,” I said.

“I have a question, though.  My husband is a realtor, one of the best, up here in Atlanta.  And I saw on your web site where students taking the Bare Bones course do a map and compass walk.  I DO NOT want my husband becoming lost.  Is your training area fenced in?”

“Yes,” I graciously replied with a smile.  “The training area is fenced in.  Not by a fence, but by special trees which are very expensive, specially-equipped, electronic trees.  They’ll alert your husband at the training area border and warn him to stop.”

“That’s wonderful! I know Jerry will like that.  Now I won’t worry so much.”

“Well, Ma’am, there is a catch.  The human-sensing Voiceamatonic tree that will alert your husband will ask him three questions.  He must answer all the questions correctly.”

“Well, that shouldn’t be too hard for Jerry.  He gets every question right when we watch Jeopardy.  Can you tell me the questions the tree will ask him?  I promise I won’t tell him.  I’ll even pay you $900 extra to know the three questions!”

Using my mathematical reasoning powers, that figured out to be $300 a question.  Not enough.  Not for top secret wilderness security border-type questions, especially provided by a talking tree.  It was going to be $500 a question.

“Ma’am, I’ll tell you the questions. But, it will be $1500 extra.”

“Not a problem.  Jerry is worth it.  He’s the # 1 realtor in the Atlanta area.  Right now I’m out having fun shopping because he sold a house for three million dollars.  He’s such a good provider.  That’s why I’m concerned that he doesn’t become lost.  Please, tell me the three questions.”  (A giant pause while the Lead Instructor kicks himself in the butt for not asking for more dollars per question.)

“The first question the tree will ask is:  Who is buried in Grant’s tomb?”

“That’s an easy one.  Jerry will know that one for sure!  What’s the second question?”

“The second question the tree will ask is:  When was the War of 1812 fought?”

“My goodness, Jerry’s going to know that one, too.  He is such a historical nut.  What’s the third question the tree will ask?”

“The third and last question is the most important question.  Jerry must get it right or face a severe penalty.”

“Oh, for goodness sakes.  C’mon, tell me the question,” the caller whined.

“The third and last question the talking tree will ask is:  What is your present longitude and latitude?”

“Well, if that isn’t the stupidest question I ever heard,“ the lady laughed.  “If Jerry knew that answer he wouldn’t be lost and talking to a damn tree!  You have got to be kidding me.”

In my most serious customer service voice, I said, “Ma’am, he must answer the third question correctly.  If he doesn’t, the tree will shake like there’s no tomorrow.  Then, it will fall over and smash him dead.”

There was complete silence on the phone.  After a very long minute, I finally said, “Ma’am, you still there?”

“Yeah, I’m here.  I was just doing some serious thinking.  Forget Jerry. I’m going to enroll my mother-in-law.”

Wrong Way Wanderers

My map & compass buddy and I were becoming the hot topic of discussion during supper hour at the local diner.  “They just walked plumb off the map – four miles and some.  Ned Hopkins found them waiting on the side of the road near his place.  What a couple of Air Force losers.  And these guys are going to be USAF Survival Instructors?”

They would be us – wannabes in training to become survival instructors, presently being chauffeured to camp in the bed of a dusty-blue Air Force truck.  We sat silent with our heads hung low. There was nothing to say anyhow.  We had screwed up big time, walking right off a topographic map, miles in the wrong direction from our intended checkpoint.
As I sat with my eyes closed, head now between my knees, I wondered our punishment.  How severe would it be?  Worst case scenario: we’d be dropped from training.  In two weeks, we could be walking circles around B-52s at a base in Podunk, South Dakota.

Back at the diner, the conversation continued.  “Those guys aren’t going to make it if you ask me.  Not a chance.  Both are going to be washouts.  Won’t see them back out here ever again … lost or found.”

Within a 50-mile radius, the word was out.  Phones were buzzing.  We had become supper discussion for homes throughout northeastern Washington State.  Our driver turned up the radio of the truck to taunt us.  The weatherman on the local AM station was veering from things meteorological and telling map and compass jokes.  I listened for the weatherman’s name.  For sure, I was going to shove a lightning bolt down his throat the first chance I got.  Three severe pot holes later the radio quit playing.

One of the five fears a person in a survival situation must deal with is fear of society and ridicule.  Every bounce of the road meant we were getting closer to camp and closer to the ridicule of superior military beings.  Smoke-cured, seasoned, high-ranking USAF Survival Instructors, part grizzly bear, part wolverine.  Nasty creatures when pissed off.  The turns were sharper now, the driver driving slower.  The woods now thicker, the road not a road.  We were entering camp.  There before my eyes loomed the wooden trestle crossing the stream, staring at me, saying, “Jeez, do I have to be any bigger to find?”  It was the checkpoint we had missed. Instead of turning left when we came upon the stream and going about 200-yards to the trestle, we had turned right, going miles in the wrong direction.

Other instructor wannabes, those that had found the checkpoint, turned to stare at us.  Their navigational prowess made them stand tall and proud.  They were the audience of a parade I didn’t want to be in.

The truck came to an abrupt halt.  A loud voice shouted, “Get out of the truck!  Now!” causing dead limbs to drop from nearby trees.  My partner and I stood up quickly, grabbed our improvised packs, and jumped to the ground, instantly realizing we were now facing another fear associated with survival: the fear of wild animals.

Four survival instructors from the Instructor Training Branch were standing at the rear of the truck, axes in hand.  Their steely glares made me shake like a Chihuahua shitting chicken bones.  “Get out your maps and show us where you are!” they shouted in perfect unison.  With trembling hands, we pulled out our maps and pointed individually to our present location.  “Now, show us where the truck picked you up at!”  Holding the map in my left hand, I pointed about 8-inches to the right of the map … into dead air.  You’d have thought I just told the funniest joke on earth.  As the instructors cavorted about us, laughing and knee-slapping for what seemed like hours, my partner and I stood fearfully in place, watching like fools.

Once the laughter subsided and each of the four instructors had taken their turn at verbally whittling us to nothing, we were dismissed.  A not-so-friendly, “Grab your packs and get out of our sight!  We’ll finish this in the morning!” echoed through the tree-tops, as my partner and I hurried to the safety of our fellow classmates.
I lay in my shelter that night unable to sleep.  Far off in the distance up on the ridges, coyotes were howling.  They, too, were probably spreading the story of our misfortune.  Tired and frustrated, I eventually drifted off to sleep.

The next morning was business as usual.  We waited for the worst, but it never came.  We were given coordinates to our next checkpoint with the rest of the instructor wannabes.  And, off we hustled in the same two-person teams.

Later that day, I discovered a hand-written note on the back of my map.  It read, “Dear Soon-to-Be Survival Instructor:  Learn and teach others from your mistake.”  It was signed, “Your survival brothers from the Instructor Training Branch.”  I cried for the first time during training for reasons other than pain.  Over six thousand map & compass miles later, I’ve never made the same mistake. And always, through my instruction, I make sure it won’t happen to my students.

Survival Training, One-on-One, with Byron

Milo Bradley
Pro Tour Men’s Coach, Tennis Australia
AIS (Australian Institute of Sport)
Davis Cup Transitional Squad

BBBuuzzzz!  Smack!  Got another one!  Long night lying in my improvised tent, put together with some parachute line, plastic, sleeping on ground with a cover and sheet.  BBBuzzz!  Again, Smack!  Missed!  Humid, 36 Celsius during the day, little breeze - virtually nothing, most likely temperature has dropped to 25 Celsius.  Jet lagged and lying awake, I decided to focus on what I had learned on my first day of SURVIVAL School under Byron Kerns.  I guess it was either review the day or listen to the rhythm of instructor Kerns’ snoring.  Ha-ha!  It was simple: 3 days without water at best, 21 days without food, 5 fears included the fear of animals, loneliness, death, darkness, and ridicule.  The list continued to why fire was my friend and how to use it.  Well, by this time, I can openly acknowledge I had failed to recognize the value of water.  Forget the fears, still trying to work out what I would do if a bear came into my bomb- proof tent, while just the idea of my peers taking me to task anyway was enough ridicule, so I rather hack my way through the BBBuzzz all night long.  I made my fire earlier that day, yet anyone can light a fire in a dry forest.  By tomorrow, Kerns would whip me into a potential crack arsonist.  Making fire in a thrashing cyclonic rain should be no worries after tomorrow!  Well, maybe just a whipper snipper of a fire starter.  Beside Kerns is still snoring and dreaming of how his student is going to find water, much less finding patience to purify the water we do find. Day One of the SURVIVAL Evolution goes on…..

BBBuuuzzz!  Night 2.  It would not matter if I was still jet lagged, Kerns toiled with me mentally, like a fish dealing with bait.  I was hooked on every word.  Kerns simply would hook me, let out the line, than reel me in, owning every direction he desired to train my mind to the things he desired me to learn.  At this point, my mind had experienced these basic facts:

1. If you intend to go to conquer any part of the environment, you are going to find yourself on the losing end.  Learning and respecting it is incredibly important.   
2. Key ingredients of building a fire is that the ‘tinder’ and ‘squaw wood’ is not on the ground - basically above you and around you.
3. You can never drink enough water!  Map reading, compass work, and knot tying skills suddenly become also very necessary skills in learning to survive.  

Many more facts linger in my memory.  Day Two of SURVIVAL goes on…..

The following day the lessons continued.   This ‘One-on-One’ unique experience, walking through the bush and woods and forest with Kerns, is a real story and education of how ‘humans’ not just can survive in this environment, yet various other relevant discussions.

I chose this individual experience since it is the quickest way for me to learn, first hand in amongst the stress, fears, and anxiety where I learn best.  And, to be able to fail with honor and dignity.  Kerns certainly allows a person to fail with dignity, bounce back, and discover how to educate oneself with his assistance.

Several days later on my long flight back to Australia when I started to write my notes about my experience, I suddenly realized how much extra I had learned.  Every minute spent with Kerns had a lesson, story, and experience to be shared.  I had notes on some simple tips on everything from dealing with hostage situations in a foreign country, to dealing with people’s fears in different life situations.  As I progressed through the notes, it was evident that many skills mentally and physically cross over into the office environment, on the tennis court, travelling, and engaging with even our urban environments. 

Using the bush and woods and forest, working on SURVIVAL skills as a medium for other environments can only assist our awareness in having experiences that prepare us for High Performance environments, not to mention everyday life.  Developing tennis pPlayers for my Federation with the intent of hopefully that someday the players will represent their country in Davis Cup is my overall brief.  Travelling 45-48 weeks a year, from the Grand Slams thru some isolated destinations around the world may be ‘living the dream’, yet urban survival can be the background agenda.  Very seldom am I just seeing the sights.  Travelling on isolated roads in third world destinations happens very often, yet if something goes wrong, either via flight, bus, car, train, other survival skills need to kick in.  Just the potential of running out of fuel on an interconnecting road off the Interstate in North America could add stress, particularly if one is in the snow country when a blizzard hits.  I came to Byron Kern Survival School originally as an ‘out of the box’ experience for my professional development, yet came away with a lot more.

I have previously lead programs that have developed athletes that have played Davis Cup, Federation Cup, ATP Challenger, and ITF Future events and  who have won Junior Grand Slams to mention a few, without even mentioning the numerous National Championships, both team and individual, during my tenure.  In these programs, I have run ‘Boot Camp’ activities, experiences in an outdoor environment to ‘toughen’ up the athletes physically and mentally.   

Kerns achieves what I always desired, yet I previously never completely achieved.  Byron Kerns does it in a very simple professional way.  He achieves his success with a student in so many amazing ways without the student even knowing what is going on.  The experience is one worth having.  He truly has a ‘gift’.  The same survival’ skills, both mental and physical, are certainly a big part of sport today.  Everything from PMA (Positive Mental Attitude) to S.T.O.P (Stop, Think, Observe, and Plan) under pressure becomes key developmental skills to various parts of an athlete’s career, hence very transferable.  Today so many corporations, small businesses, sporting organisations live and die by the board room and all the latest research, yet I really wonder if something as simple as survival skills is ever covered, much less thought about for them and their employees.  The sports coach, manager, and athlete all need to at least experience the first evolution of survival skills!  We all will one day, under stress, go through an experience where we will need to know what we most likely should do.

Byron Kerns will assist you to experience the things you can walk away and say, "When that moment comes with anything, anytime in life, this is what I will attempt to do!"  I know I am going to walk confidently everyday looking at the trees, checking the wind, suddenly hearing Byron's voice in my ear.  "Hey Dude!  Do you think it is going to rain tonight?  Do you think we can find water over there?  Which way are we headed?"